vAL’s bLOg

Have you ever lost yourself and tried to find the real you? Maybe it would be the hardest thing someone could ever experience… to search what was really inside of the silent soul. Sometimes, we tend to find ourselves in the arms of someone to whom we are willing to give our whole life only to realize in the end that the only person who could make you happy suddenly possess a great power to shatter your heart into millions of pieces.

Since then, I know who I am and what I want. I speak and do what was in my mind and in my heart because I want people to see me as a person they deal with and not as a person underneath the shadow of the unwanted past. No one could ever wish they would be in my shoes… it will be stupid for people to envy the life that I have. In spite of these, I am still thankful for all the things God has given me. but in my solitude, I can’t help but to drown myself in tears… tears because of yearning for the things that I don’t have, or should I say… yearning for someone that I had but lost because of foolishness and pride. Why should the ones who know how to love must end up crying? Are tears really the price to pay for loving someone so much? It feels like walking under a very hard rain. Where I could not see which way to go…. Or if I should go on.

I took a deep breath and listened to what my heart was whispering. Love. Why should I have to experience the most wonderful thing in the world? However, why should this "love" can be wonderful and tragic at the same time?

The rain kept on falling harder and I was in the middle of nowhere. I wanted to move forward but there was a great force that kept pulling me back. It was YOU. It has always been you. The memories of you, which I cannot remove in my baggage. Misery was the only thing those memories could give me, but every piece of those memories has been the happiest moments of my life. That is why I can’t afford to throw them all away though it’s damn heavy to carry.

It is getting very cold. And my body couldn’t take it anymore. So I let myself fell on the pavement. Allowing the rain to drench my body. I embraced myself, crying like a baby, wishing God to give me one last chance of seeing you again. One moment is all I’m asking… just for me to tell you one thing I’ve always wanted to say. It might not make you believe but I don’t care. People may condemn me for pleading guilty. But if there’s a chance and only once is all I got, I will not waste a second of telling you just how much I truly love you. And if this love could only bring shattered dreams, then I should say that you are my sweetest nightmare. And if only in my sleep I could be with you, I’d rather not wake up.

I came back to reality. Finding myself alone in my room. Eyes filled with tears. Staring at the phone. Wishing you would call, just to hear you say ‘hello’. Hoping that some day, my greatest pain would come back.

Pinky Afton

If the reason is not love,

Do not smile and look at me that way.

It seems like you’re glad seeing me,

When I know your heart belongs to the one I envy.

If the reason is not love,

Please do not whisper my name while I am in a daydream.

The nights could be hard for me to bear,

For staying awake and recalling that moment over and over.

If the reason is not love,

Never hold my hand and squeeze it tight.

It is like telling me “I’ll never let go”,

But in reality, it’s just a friendly show.

If the reason is not love,

Don’t pause and ask “How are you?”

I would rather think that you don’t care,

Rather than hope that you’ll always be there.

If the reason is not love,

Do not come near me to dry the tears in my eyes.

Lies would tear me apart,

Because I know, you could not stop the tears in my heart.

If the reason is not love,

Do not sit and start an endless conversation.

Because I’m tired of counting the moments we’re together,

And hoping that you utter, “I love you” later.

If the reason is not love,

Do not offer your shoulder for me cry on.

I would rather be in my solitude and be insane,

Than be with you yet still keeping all the pain.

If the reason is not love,

Please do not stare at me just to ask “any problem?”

I would rather believe you never had a clue,

For me to admit that the problem is you.

Have you ever wondered what brought us together? Knowing that we have spent several years of friendship and yet not having a single clue of what fate could bring us…. I do wonder sometimes, especially at times when I am alone but in the end, it doesn’t matter at all. It was such a blessing that I never expected that you would be a part of my life other than being a friend. Why? Because I wont be this much thankful of having a great man to love and to share the rest of my life with. I cannot even remember if there was a moment in the past twenty-four years of my life that I was happier than now. Now that I found the missing piece that will bind my heart and soul.

There were few instances in my life when I thought I already found love and that is what makes me realize how foolish I can be. I’ve learned that love works in camouflage… it is mysterious and undefined. Then God finally decided to bring us together because He wanted me to be happy and be the reason to make somebody happy as well. It is not just about completing the depths of my being but also completing yours. I have finally known the purpose of the spaces between my fingers….it is for you to fill them in.

Thank you so much for loving me, for understanding my shortcomings and for deciding to spend the rest  of your life with me. Whatever I have done to you or given you was the best that I can be. And the reason of bringing out the best in me is “you”.

I love you….

Pinky

Afton

Colin & Christie met in a class at the University of Texas in Austin and have been dating for over a year. Both now live in Corpus Christi, Texas. When Colin saw Christie give a presentation in their communications class, he knew that she was the one for him. It took eight months of being friends before he finally got her to go out on a date with him. Colin claims that he will ask Christie to marry him if they can get through the Race together.

Christie is the 1996 Miss Teen USA winner, the first and only one from Texas. However, she considers her biggest accomplishment in life to be working to pay her entire way through college and graduating with honors. She describes herself and her teammate as "very competitive, extremely aggressive with strong personalities." Although Christie says that she is always late, she is also a perfectionist who hates losing.

Colin is the owner of a cell phone store. Among the accomplishments he is most proud of is getting Christie to fall in love with him, which he claims is better than being the top first-year dealer for a book publishing company in the United States. He also agrees that he and Christie are both very aggressive and “very outspoken and in-your-face.” However, he is a very open person who will talk to anyone, while Christie is extremely private.

Colin & Christie are excited about competing in THE AMAZING RACE 5 because they will be able to travel the world and participate in this kind of competition. Christie adds, "Another reason for doing this Race is that it is a test to see if we are marriage potential. I know we can win, and if we do, we’re getting married right after the show."

Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can’t get you a new sweater? Jamie: Because, he’s too busy looking for your brain. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: You know what I figured out today? Landon: What? Jamie: Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. Like this journey never ends. Like you were sent to me because I’m sick. To help me through all this. You’re my angel. ——————————————————————————– Landon: I might kiss you. Jamie: I might be bad at it. Landon: That’s not possible. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: Your’re acting like a crazy person, what’s going on? Landon: Right now, you’re straddling the state line. Jamie: OK… Landon: You’re in two places at once. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: You have to promise you won’t fall in love with me. Landon: That’s not a problem. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: Are you trying to seduce me? Landon: Why? Are you seducible? ——————————————————————————– Jamie: Please don’t pretend like you know me, ok? Landon: But I do, I do. We’ve had all the same classes in the same school since kindergarten. Why you’re Jamie Sullivan. You sit at lunch table 7. Which isn’t exactly the reject table, but is definitely in self exile territory. You have exactly one sweater. You like to look at your feet when you walk. Oh, oh, and yeah, for fun, you like to tutor on weekends and hang out with the cool kids from "Stars and Planets." Now how does that sound? Jamie: Thoroughly predictable, nothing I haven’t heard before. Landon: You don’t care what people think about you? Jamie: No. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: [crying, runs into Landon] Landon: [holds her] This isn’t about you ok, it’s me. Jamie: [nods] ——————————————————————————– Landon: What are you doing here? Jamie: I could ask you the same question. Landon: Do you normally walk alone in cemeteries at night? Jamie: Maybe. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Jamie has faith in me. She makes me want to be different, better. ——————————————————————————– Landon: All I know is… you’re beautiful. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: How can you see places like this… and have moments like this and not believe? Landon: You’re lucky to be so sure. Jamie: It’s like the wind. I can’t… see it, but I feel it. ——————————————————————————– Landon: You, uh, feelin’, Christian? ‘ Mr. Carter: Landon, don’t walk away. Landon: You taught me how. ——————————————————————————– Mr. Carter: Landon, don’t walk away. Landon: You taught me how. ——————————————————————————– Landon: [to Jamie] You, uh, feelin’ Christian? ——————————————————————————– Landon: Are you scared? Jamie: To death… [Landon looks upset] Jamie: Lighten up. Landon: It’s not funny. Jamie: I’m scared of not being with you. Landon: Oh baby, that will never happen… I’ll be here. ——————————————————————————– Landon: I’m sorry she never got her miracle. Reverend Sullivan: She did. It was you. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: OK, so you don’t care about classes or graduating, but you like school because you’re popular and you’ll never be on top again. Landon: That’s thoroughly predictable. Jamie: Your act only works on an audience. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: Without suffering there would be no compassion. Landon: Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: So, would it kill you to try? Landon: Yup, and I’m too young to die. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: Make yourself at home. Landon: Yeah! [whisper] Landon: It’s not likely. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: People can see. Landon: And that would ruin your reputation how? ——————————————————————————– Landon: Listen, Jamie, I was hoping we could run lines together? Jamie: Okay, but just not so anybody knows, right? Landon: Well I just figured we could surprise everyone with how good I get. Jamie: Like we could be secret friends. Landon: Exactly, exactly it’s like you’re reading my mind. Jamie: Great umm… maybe you could read mine. [she gives him a cold glare and turns away] Landon: Jamie, Jamie I can’t just be your friend. Jamie: Landon, look, I thought I saw something in you, something good, but I was very wrong. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Jamie, I’m trying here, OK? Maybe… maybe I miss spending time with you. Maybe you inspire me. Jamie: Sounds like bull. Landon: Which part? Jamie: All of it. Landon: Well it’s not! Jamie: Prove it. ——————————————————————————– Jamie: You don’t know the first thing about being someone’s friend. Landon: I don’t want to just be your friend. Jamie: You don’t know what you want. Landon: Neither do you. Maybe you’re just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you. Jamie: And why would that scare me? Landon: Because then you wouldn’t be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin’ telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you’re scared? It’s cause you wanna be with me too. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Can you find this star, right here? Jamie: Sure. So why am I looking for this star? Landon: Because I had it named for you. See? It’s official. It’s from the International Star Registry. Jamie: This is wonderful… I love you. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Hey. How are you feeling? Jamie: I’m ok, how are you? Landon: Pretty good. Jamie: I have something for you. Landon: You do? Jamie: Uh hmm… Don’t worry it’s not a bible. It was my mother’s. It’s got quotes from all her favorite books, and quotes by famous people. Her thoughts. Come on. Landon: Okay, let’s check it out. Okay…"What is a friend? It’s a single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle. Jamie: Uh uh, right here. Landon: Okay. "Find out who you are, and do it on purpose." That’s Dolly Parton. Jamie: I always thought she was smart. Landon: "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful." ——————————————————————————– Landon: Jamie… I love you. [long pause] Landon: Now would be the time to say something. Jamie: I told you not to fall in love with me. ——————————————————————————– Eric: Hey man, tell them maybe do, like, West Side Story, you know, get that nice big booty lookin’ girl from Selena, ya know, "Maria, Maria!" ——————————————————————————– [last lines] Landon: [voiceover] Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and the long journey ahead. I’ll always miss her. But our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Do you love me? [she nods] Landon: Will you do something for me, then? Jamie: [smiles] Anything. Landon: Will you marry me? [Jamie smiles and kisses him] ——————————————————————————– Eric: [reading lines passionately for Landon] Nothing’s coincidence, baby. You know you’re the only one who can make me sing. [jokingly pretending to hump Mrs. Garber] Eric: Oh yeah Miss Garber, oh, you gonna put Eric in all your plays! [as Miss Garber] Eric: Oh Eric, I’m gonna put you in all my plays! ——————————————————————————– Jamie: What do you want Carter? I’ve known you for years and you’ve never been the first one to come up and say "hello." ——————————————————————————– Jamie: I’m sick. Landon: I’ll take you home. You’ll be be… Jamie: No. Landon! I’m sick. I have Leukemia. Landon: No. You’re 18. You - you’re perfect. Jamie: No. I found out two years ago and I’ve stopped responding to treatments. Landon: So why didn’t you tell me? Jamie: The doctor said I should go on and live life normally as best I could. I - I didn’t want anybody to be weird around me. Landon: Including me? Jamie: Especially you! [Jamie looks down] Jamie: [Landon gets upset] Jamie: Ya know, I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted it, and then you happened! I do not need a reason to be angry with God. [Jamie runs away] ——————————————————————————– [at the hospital] Reverend Sullivan: Do you remember when you were about five or six and you said you hated gravity? And you wanted to jump off the roof and fly? Jamie: I was so angry at you for making me come down. Reverend Sullivan: Honey, if I kept you too close it’s because I wanted to keep you longer. You know, when I lost your mother, I was afraid that my heart would never open again. Jamie, I couldn’t look at you for days. ——————————————————————————– Clay Gephardt: You know what? I actually thought I wanted to be your friend. And now I have no idea why. No idea. Landon: I made that jump once. Thought I was a bad ass. I remember actually saying that I meant to belly-flop. Clay Gephardt: Did it hurt? Landon: Like hell. Clay Gephardt: Good. ——————————————————————————– Eric: Talk to me man. Landon: About what? Eric: About you, about Jamie. Landon: What’s there to talk about? She’s the best person I’ve ever known. ——————————————————————————– Landon: What’d you tell your father? Jamie: The truth. I just left you out of it. ——————————————————————————– [first lines] Dean: Is he here yet? ——————————————————————————– Eric: It’s all good cause were gonna get club Landon and Club Eric jumping up in here. Oh, what do we got here ? [Landon turns the CD player on] Eric: Whoa, okay, okay, so your not really feeling my hip-hop, but what the hell is this? Landon: Jamie lent it to me. Eric: Now she’s got you listening to her people music? Landon: Okay… her people? Eric: Yeah. Her… uh, bible-hugging, crucifix-wearing, honk-if-you-love-Jesus-people. Landon: She’s not like that. ——————————————————————————– Landon: Saturday. No school. ——————————————————————————– Eric: Well, you know you got Belinda thinking that little lip action between you and Jamie was real. [landon looks nervous while he still works] Eric: Whats with you, man? It’s like you don’t even have time for your real friends anymore. Landon: I dont know man, I’m just tired of doing the same old shit everyday. Eric: This girl is changing you and you don’t even know it. Landon: Hah. Did Belinda say that too? Eric: No, I did. ——————————————————————————– Ms. Garber: Oh Landon! You were marvelous! Landon: Thank you. [walks away] ——————————————————————————– Reverend Sullivan: "Do not be deceived. God is not mocked." Hmmm. [Landon walks into the Church as Reverend Sullivan is practicing his sermon] Reverend Sullivan: "Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap…" Can I help you? Landon: Uh, yes, sir. I’d like to ask your daughter to dinner on Saturday night. Reverend Sullivan: That’s not possible. Landon: Well… with all due respect, sir, I ask you to reconsider. Reverend Sullivan: With all due respect, Mr. Carter, I made my decision. You can, uh, exit the way you entered. Landon: Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t treated Jamie the way I should’ve. She deserves more than that. I’m just asking you for the same thing that you teach us every day in Church. And that’s faith. Reverend Sullivan: [Exhales deeply]

I wake up to shadows,
touching your pillow looking,
for a trace of your smile.
And that’s when it hit me,
you’re no longer with me,
in fact is been quite a while,
since I sit here drinking coffee as you sipped your tea,
and you swore you’d always love ,
and care for me.
And even though there is no more us to save. Its you I crave I crave your touch,
I crave your lips,
I miss so much,
the excitement of your kiss,
and since your gone,
my heart won’t behave,
its your love that I still crave. It may look like I’m happy,
people who know me,
they know I’m not doing so well.
I heard that you been dating,
and though I been waiting,
I had found you and no one else.
And just the thought of never waking up with, you again,
always turned me inside out,
how could, we let it end,
And even there is no more us to save. Its you I crave I crave your touch,
I crave your lips,
I miss so much,
the excitement of your kiss,
and since your gone,
my heart won’t behave,
its your love that I still crave. I should have known,
I should have seen,
cause you were always, there,
inside my every dream. know that I will try, love will never die, I think of you and I, Night and day, though, my, mind, knows, its too late, to say, your love I crave> I crave your touch,
I crave your lips,
I miss so much,
the excitement of your kiss,
and since your gone,
my heart won’t behave,
its your love that I still crave I crave your touch, I crave your lips, I miss so much, the excitement of your kiss, and since your gone, my heart won’t behave, its your love that I still crave> crave for, your, touch, crave, for your lips, since you been gone, my heart won’t behave> I crave for your touch, I crave for your lips, I’m missing you so much, I need your kiss, and since you been gone, my heart just won’t behave…its your love that I still crave>
I crave your love love love….crave in the morning(fade out)